2012

Ramble.

New beginnings or the same old story?
That much my friend is up to you.

This is a time where resolutions are made for a fresh start and a better life.
To run more, go to the gym, start eating healthily, and give up drinking. All of these resolutions are for the physical appearance and the easy ones to look at and attempt to change. They are the ones that we understand are bad choices for us, the things that we consciously do to our bodies on a daily basis..

But who looks at the abuse we put on our minds and hearts? Why has no one made the resolution to be truly happy and headstrong, whatever the consequence?
To reassess your friends and make sure that the people closest to you in your life and the ones that will look out for you and catch you when you fall.
That is the measure of a man.

Many of the plans we make for the new starts in life will be broken within the first month. The weakness of character and everyday peer pressure will ‘force’ us to give in a quit the gym and have a pint. Again, are you sure you don’t want to reassess your life?

I am at a crossroads... Not the biggest stretch of road I’ve had to face but definitely up there with mid life crisis and having a baby I guess.
It’s really down to me now and my resolution is simple. To be more selfish and follow my heart regardless of where it may take me and what I may lose.
I intend to hurt no one, I’m just finished hurting myself with lack if decision and procrastination of the mind.
A holiday filled with love and laughter has just run its course and when the favourite part of your holiday was having breakfast with your ex boyfriends family or spending all the time with your current boyfriends amazing sister- alarm bells start ringing.

So as my friend told me this morning, it’s time to bite the bullet. I am not going to try and live a life I once had as I have never been as self assured and strong as I am today, but I will try and gain some aspects of my life that I once lost. Bravery, Integrity Fun and Love.
Who gets what and who’s moving where? No one knows for sure this time but I know this path will take me to a smoother road.
Good morning 2012, we’re going to be good friends.

Breeze Away the Blue.

At this time of year, i am usually feeling very sorry for myself. Festive cheer is there, of course.. but so is the underlying feeling of torment from the Holidays.

The pressue of buying good gifts and the pressure of feeling, or at least looking like you are comfortable in large social situations.. Joyous or not.

I am making amends this year and although part of myself drags along the floor at an all new low, i refuse to accept the fate that is December with a woaful brow and instead i opt for sanity. Smiles at the very least.

This weekend i am able to spend time with some of my favourite people in Melbourne, with no time resicrition on our meets and no work to rush off too. A weekend of laughing and drinking and most likely bitching as well. I will fill the following weekends with christmas parties and nigh time markets and packing for the holiday trip away where i can escape from the city smoke and slip into the ocean breeeze, with a beer in hand.. of course.

Hello December. Im not gonna let you scare me anymore.

SNAP

Sunshine is needed, i'm beginning to reflect everything that shines on me.. 

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

When I was little, I remember walking into my mum’s room very quietly so she could not hear, and watching her cry.

She would cry for hours on end, and had perfected the heartbreaking art of silent tears.

I never understood how I could make her happy then, I used to save all the money she gave me for dinners at school and instead of buying food with it, I would wait until I had enough and then buy her the flowers from the stall down the road. This to me at such a young age was a mission, but one that I was convinced would make her happier or at least dry the tears.

Opening her bedroom door, I placed them on the bed next to her as she wept into the linen.

I waited for her to stop and look and for the look of relief and a smile to come to her face. I wanted to save her so badly.

But the tears never stopped and she raised her head to look at the flowers and then cried harder than she had before.

I couldn’t help her, and no one could. a million things about her pain I did not understand.

Now I find myself, sobbing into my own linen that I have brought with me to the bathroom floor and bunched around my face to silence the tears.

There is no point in noise sounding the alarm of sadness when no one around you can fix it. The people you loved initiated it but then you have taken on a form of torment only seen before in the people you learnt how to cry from.

I suddenly understand my mother’s anguish. She was not crying for things she had lost, or moments past. She was crying at the fact that she could never be the person they wanted.

She would never match the person that had stolen their thoughts, and tugged at their hearts.

Even though they promise that they have never even wondered what the touch of their skin would feel like.. You know yourself it is a lie and it can’t be fixed.

I cry for the way I look, and I sob for the way it isn’t how she looks.

I try to make the best of what I was given but it will never match up to the woman she is.

I will myself to accept who I am and believe the things he says to me… and all the while I am trying to silence the voices in my head that tell me to give up.

The thing is, as dramatic as it sounds… My mum didn’t give up.. she led her life and since those days where she cried, I have never seen her smile with her whole heart.

I just don’t know if I can live that way.. so im wondering what the point is.

And so this is Melbourne.

The Sunny November days are setting in and walking to work becomes more of a diary entry than a chore.

Something I do every day that is a routine morning check of where my head space is at.

I replay fond memories and each song that sifts through my iPod sparks a new memory in my head that i get to revisit.

By the time I reach the bridge I’m comparing those times with similar times in my life and thinking of the good old days as just that. Old days that have taught me well stay exactly where they belong,

Loved but past.

I get to the docks, walking along the board walk is where my cigarette ignites and I make the promise to myself to try and kick the habit, just as I do every day.

By lunch time I’m on smoke #4.

Floating round the office to a sea of stares and head shakes.. yes yes I don’t look like I belong here, but I have the same job as you, don’t i? That’s right so keep your head down or I’ll handball you a report to do.

Walking home is more strenuous as my head is cloudy and my legs get heavier with each step but I stop in at my favourite coffee place to drop them off some chocolates and say hi to the boys.

Home time now and as my front door closes the bell rings for break, which is were my evening begins.

Seeing friends and drinking wines that I will tell myself don’t count if I have it with food on the side, which inevitably turns out to be bread.

And by the weekend I’m wondering why my favourite size 7 shorts don’t fit as well as they once did… I feel blue, bread and wine again.

Not the most productive cycle but if I fit in a few gym sessions here and there it suits me well enough.

So tonight, chattering with a favourite of mine over what was supposed to be a cup of coffee , that has ended up smelling remarkably of alcohol in a tall stemmed glass.
then cuddle times and probably a fight or two.

Such is life.

Things to come

November, How the hell did you get here so fast?
It seems like only yestesterday i was pacing the streets of melbourne looking for a job and a flat with friends who no longer even live in this country and who are no longer part of my life.

Who can believe how much can change in one year? It's impossible to even concieve the idea at the time...
Things seem so set the way they are and one things leads to another and while you've been stressing about the inches on your waist or the breaks of your hearts the trees have blossomed your skin has burned and a strong couple of months have blown you right to where you are now. Autumn over, pain receeding and ready to start a whole new chapter.

My heart has broken and healed and lost so many peices that i think it got a little smaller because it had to make itself even again and those holes just could not be filled.
But it's still beating and that's a success in my head. There were, and still are times when the past years events hit me so hard that i swear i could see the flash of the lightening that struck me but no. Low and behold im still breathing, even if a little more shallow than my lungs could take before.

A year ago today, i signed myself over to fall in love and, that i did. and out and in and out and finally, in. but hell, i never fell out i was driven to the edge but could never jump off. A year ago today, i did not know some of the people i have been blessed to call my best friends. Who have jumped at the sound of the lightening flash and whisked me away towards calmer weather and distractions alike.

In some respects this year has been the best one of my life. My confidence has grown and diminished and i realise now i have a longer way to go than anyone, including myself, could ever have imagined. 
But everything is open now, and clear for all to see. The marks that i hid with make up and pride have begun the slow process of healing towards trust and intimacy. You can't fake it, so only time will tell.

Christmas is coming and with that, summer comes shining through. breakfast dates and picnic dates and lounging in the sun. I get to meet a family i one day hope to call my own and hope to feel an embrace that has long escaped my own family life. I finally return home in two months time to see the people who have been faces in my mind for months on end and i can smell the hustle and bustle of my home town again.

This year i have smiled and cried more than i ever dreamt i could, and with continuous therapy throughout the next few months i believe those tears can be dried in time for 2012.

365 days
500 Bottles of coke zero
457835347567384 cigarettes
Several boxes of kleenex
4 flights interstate
1 electric guitar
7 Tattoos
Countless arguments
and more rum that i wish to admit...
It's time to start a new chapter.