Shouldn't it be easier than this?

So summer is nearly here,

More and more people put their enthusiasm into sentences as they can smell summer in the air. The lighter nights, the milder days and the sunshine that is beginning to burst through the clouds.

For some this is a sign of the exciting summer fun to come, and those people I envy.
Every possibility I have of enjoying the summer is tainted by the fact that I fear my own appearance to the extent that I cannot breathe. The very reflection of my image makes my eyes and heart swell in fear of judgement from others and my mind who knows too well what I am capable of achieving.

Its not that I wish to become as il as I once was, because that would be 2 steps forward 20 steps back and a revisit to pain that i don’t want to spread to my loved ones one more time.
But I do envy the control I once had over the choices I made when life threw a curveball at me.

Some say I am a broken mirror and that I see a distorted image of the way I am perceived and viewed by others and reality. But what is the point in reality seeing you a certain way when it is yourself who must live with the curves and indentations of your self esteem and body.  Even the acceptance that I may be a broken mirror does not prevent the shards from breaking of and cutting deeply enough to induce a sense of self loathing and paranoia from one day to the next.

The image I see is clear as day and so bright that I cannot bear to look it directly in the eye. Lights off, mirrors banned and yet the voice in my head creeps in to let me know that I am still the figure I do not want to be. Summer summer go away, I’m not ready to lose the layers that hide my fear yet.

Surely it wasn’t this hard when I was younger and prettier and skinnier than I am now, but I have developed an incessant self pity that seems to control the majority od rthi

“Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down for you..
Wasn’t it easier running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?”

Run forest run

Irony, Love it hate it but deal with it.

I’ve been watching people at the gym recently… not in the sense that I am staring awkwardly at them but, while I pound the treadmill I take in my surroundings and above the sea of determination that exudes most of the bodies in there, I see a cloud of uncertainty and even desperation.

I wonder what each person’s goal is and what has inspired or forced them to be there.

A bikini shop would tell you that they are all there to look their best and feel great this summer in that scantily clad attire that we are all dying to pull off...

A bikini shop would also tell you that you are totally a size 8 and that he’s not worth the hassle honey so spend some cash to make yourself feel good.

The sound of the cash register makes you feel great I am telling you..  Hmmph.

Let’s ask ourselves for the answer shall we?
Most of these women are there I notice by the look in their eyes... to prove some self worth to themselves. As if fitting into that smaller dress will make them a better person inside and open gates instead so that the world and opportunities fall at their feet.
Some are there to better themselves in the relationship – he won’t leave me if I look good this summer, he won’t look at other women if I lose these KG’s. He won’t make me cry at night if I have the body to die for.

Life and stress and relationships are the reasons women try to lose this weight, the social media aspect and the ever shrinking sizes in the shops.
Their mission is one of self worth, that’s for sure.. .but all too many of us do not realise, we already hold the key to that ourselves.

While someone providing you validation will boost your spirits in the long run...the draining self image that your mirror and mind provide can be the lethal combination that throws you off the ever unstable one legged pedestal.

As the worst perpetrator of this crime, I have had a very hard time as of late. All of these messages I wish to send to the young and old females around me, are wasted on my own image as I will happily provide reassurance and belief in a subject, but the pores of my mind seem too reluctant to absorb anything that I believe these days.

Nothing I achieve is ever right or good enough for me. My legs turn from Fat to muscle and I panic and compare myself to the most unattractive image a woman could image. I cannot win and my body is mocking me.. making my goals reaching further and further away.

What I must realise. What my aim of the year was to realise; an unachievable goal will never be reached.

This I have realised. But my mind set has not changed and I still wish for parts of my body to reflect a build that I am not. So the struggle continues.

“I’m sane but I’m laughing, I’m brave but I’m chicken shit.. I’m sick but I’m pretty baby. And what it all comes down too… is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet”