So summer is nearly here,
More and more people put their enthusiasm into sentences as they can smell summer in the air. The lighter nights, the milder days and the sunshine that is beginning to burst through the clouds.
For some this is a sign of the exciting summer fun to come, and those people I envy.
Every possibility I have of enjoying the summer is tainted by the fact that I fear my own appearance to the extent that I cannot breathe. The very reflection of my image makes my eyes and heart swell in fear of judgement from others and my mind who knows too well what I am capable of achieving.
Every possibility I have of enjoying the summer is tainted by the fact that I fear my own appearance to the extent that I cannot breathe. The very reflection of my image makes my eyes and heart swell in fear of judgement from others and my mind who knows too well what I am capable of achieving.
Its not that I wish to become as il as I once was, because that would be 2 steps forward 20 steps back and a revisit to pain that i don’t want to spread to my loved ones one more time.
But I do envy the control I once had over the choices I made when life threw a curveball at me.
But I do envy the control I once had over the choices I made when life threw a curveball at me.
Some say I am a broken mirror and that I see a distorted image of the way I am perceived and viewed by others and reality. But what is the point in reality seeing you a certain way when it is yourself who must live with the curves and indentations of your self esteem and body. Even the acceptance that I may be a broken mirror does not prevent the shards from breaking of and cutting deeply enough to induce a sense of self loathing and paranoia from one day to the next.
The image I see is clear as day and so bright that I cannot bear to look it directly in the eye. Lights off, mirrors banned and yet the voice in my head creeps in to let me know that I am still the figure I do not want to be. Summer summer go away, I’m not ready to lose the layers that hide my fear yet.
Surely it wasn’t this hard when I was younger and prettier and skinnier than I am now, but I have developed an incessant self pity that seems to control the majority od rthi
“Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down for you..
Wasn’t it easier running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?”
Wasn’t it easier running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?”