Determination

It's amazing how one persons success and detemination can spark the fire of progress into your mind again.
So long i have been struggling to get over my own issues and although i am a long way from the finish line...
I am also aware of how far i have come with them.

For the past year i have been rebuilding my confidence, and trying to make sense of many corners of my mind. There are still some that are darker than ever.. but light has started to shine on the areas that were likely to become my demise.

While my body has been recovering, my mind had gone into hibernation and all of my passions and loves became replaced with alcohol and pruging. Well it may be winter outside but my mind and motivation is the most awake and focused it has been for a long time.
It would be selfish to sit there and find comfort in the fact that i am alive and healthier, when there are so many other people out there suffering.
What most people don't realise is that admitting you are in the midst of a condition that you cannot control... is terrifying.  The original aspect of most disorders is to gain control over something in your life... Irony slapping you with the echo of your hollow cheekbones.

I'm gaining control, and i'm gaining self respect again so that i can show so many other girls that they owe that to themselves.
I know one day i will accept myself for the way i look, and it may take a long journey to get to that point but if in the road to self assurance i can stop and help others on board, then we are more likely to reach our goal.

There is a point to my life, and i think i just found it.

Never mind

I am so much wiser in my words on paper than i am in living my life.

The words i write on the pages of my notebook follow guidelines of self respect and honesty.

The words i use when living my life are drifted into an unknown person who reads back this blog and admires the courage and conviction of the words that are written.. But will never truely use each sentence to break the walls that she has built.

Mona lisa

So lost. Why is it that things can turn so impatiently ugly when we start to feel the most content in our lives? Is it punishment? For feeling like we deserve the breath of adoration that we gasp. Holding onto a moment tightly because we know it is too good to last forever.... and as I open my eyes with my exhale, it is gone.

How can you love someone with your body and soul but not trust the promises that escape their lips?
I wish I could. I did once, I was content.. and for the first time in forever, I felt unconditionally immersed in someone's love.

But it is true to say, that what goes up must come down. A penance for going through privacy in the hopes of finding reassurance, self assurance, a picture that prooves you wrong.
But all you find is a million reasons why you were right.

Obsessed with the past, oblivious to the present. Oblivious to how my heart breaks every time. I can't believe you can't hear it.. The noise is deafening to me. A frequency that empties my heart in a split second

They say that if they wanted something else instead, they would seek it. But what if the truth is that they would seek only to find rejection so must settle with a mediocre love instead.

Do I contest? And risk losing the life I have built for not conceeding runner up?
Or do I sit and smile, the mona Lisa of our romance.. Finding comfort in the fact that you do love me


Even if it is not as much as you dream you would love her.

Glass slipper

Maybe dreams are there for a reason.
The fantasy is always so much better than the reality.
It has no flaws, no interruptions, no responsibilty.. And people always say exactly what you wish them too, need them to.

These should stay in the slumber and ideals that create them.
My life is not perfect and, nor am I.
I could be thinner, prettier, smarter, more cultured and understanding.
My world could be smoother, happier, and the dreams I have could blossom without any enforcement from me.

But though the road of reality may be rocky and uncertain
It allows you the freedom to shout, scream, cry. To rip princes charmings mask off and tell him you shouldn't have to lose a fucking slipper before he seeks your heart.
To live moment to moment at the unexpected things that come your way, and to laugh and disaster instead of wallow.

True, reality makes me weaker every day, but I grow stronger in the fact that the path that I'm paving is my own. Built on solid concrete and bitter truths, not paved into a world of clouds.

Sickening

Watching strangers on the street, happy and in love with their perfect smiles and watching each other stare into their eyes contently. They are blissfully un aware that the lights have changed, could not care that they are standing in the path of people with places to be and deadlines to meet...
They are on their own timeframe and it's set to last forever with no where else to be but in eachother gaze.

It is moments like this when you can have realisations, many which can come to mind but the ones that flood the female passers by are the features which make this woman so beautiful that someones day can stop.

The features that you are missing, what she has that you could never possess. Now, this isn't a directed feeling, it isn't really about the couple who stand their aimlessly in love, it is a self critique that we, the female population of this busy bustling city possess.
Not even the sound of the roadworks on the street can drown out the voice inside us that shouts our flaws and shines on imperfections.
Why would anyone ever look at you the way he emptied his heart into hers? You have too much to solve and too many problems to fix with your own appearance before you  fall into the catogory of beauty.

I cannot look at mirrors, my own reflection is the biggest red flag that i have so far to go and show little hope of ever changing into that striking girl accross the street. I have never been her, never will be her and never wish anyone to be so unfortunate as to fall in love with someone like me. If my appearance disgusts me, then so it should every one else.. For they see what is real and myr ose tinted glasses have been knocked off with the ending of childhood and the realisation that i will forever be, a work in progress.

To follow your heart.

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising.

Just be true to who you are

When It Rains

Well mother nature, such a sweet demure force. Elegnace to be reckoned with.
She will teach and discaplin while she lights your way.
Some things are meant to be ours in life and even though they may not be thrust upon us at the right time... it is our duty and obligation to embrace the love she holds our in her hands for us.


I was just getting stronger, enough to handle the blow i was dealt years ago, then months ago and hit like a force again across my heart weeks ago. Am i not supposed to be able to heal? Is this mocking a pnishment for things i have done wrong in my life? Well i conceed... There is no greater pain than having the best love bond in the world taken away from you, snatched from beneath you without your hands even able to retrieve the tears.

Unless, you are given a second chance. Do you lose something once so that you can be blessed with the overwhelming sense to hold on tighter this time? to tape the love to your heart so it cannot run away?

Well maybe this is mother natures band aid. Her intentions behind it, i am not sure but she shows she is a woman by not knowing what she wants for me. uncertainty a female trait.
I won't be selfish, i will love strongly and even though my life will empty its contents out of the door for the new life, i will make room for this love. and my fingers will bleed before my grip loosens once.

Here we go again.

After coming so far, how can i be thrown back into the deep end of something i thought i had conquered and controlled. Two steps forward and Twenty miles back..
i feel it creeping up again and there is nothing i can do to stop it. I just don't have the strength i once had.

Never have i looked in the mirror and been pleased with the reflection, never have i smiled at the outcome of my hard work. Hard is not enough, determination continues to fail me and i just cannot solve the problem i have grown into.

Regardless of the help i've sought.. i dare speak the words to anyone who loves me because i can hear them growing bored and tired of this same old discussion. Don't you think im tired of it? I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for a resoloution to the constant issue that has held me back for so many years.. but nothing answers and nothing echo's.


I havent seen clearly for so long.


So i'm going quiet again, and i will conceed. It wins again and i am the shell that holds it all in.