Breeze Away the Blue.

At this time of year, i am usually feeling very sorry for myself. Festive cheer is there, of course.. but so is the underlying feeling of torment from the Holidays.

The pressue of buying good gifts and the pressure of feeling, or at least looking like you are comfortable in large social situations.. Joyous or not.

I am making amends this year and although part of myself drags along the floor at an all new low, i refuse to accept the fate that is December with a woaful brow and instead i opt for sanity. Smiles at the very least.

This weekend i am able to spend time with some of my favourite people in Melbourne, with no time resicrition on our meets and no work to rush off too. A weekend of laughing and drinking and most likely bitching as well. I will fill the following weekends with christmas parties and nigh time markets and packing for the holiday trip away where i can escape from the city smoke and slip into the ocean breeeze, with a beer in hand.. of course.

Hello December. Im not gonna let you scare me anymore.

SNAP

Sunshine is needed, i'm beginning to reflect everything that shines on me.. 

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

When I was little, I remember walking into my mum’s room very quietly so she could not hear, and watching her cry.

She would cry for hours on end, and had perfected the heartbreaking art of silent tears.

I never understood how I could make her happy then, I used to save all the money she gave me for dinners at school and instead of buying food with it, I would wait until I had enough and then buy her the flowers from the stall down the road. This to me at such a young age was a mission, but one that I was convinced would make her happier or at least dry the tears.

Opening her bedroom door, I placed them on the bed next to her as she wept into the linen.

I waited for her to stop and look and for the look of relief and a smile to come to her face. I wanted to save her so badly.

But the tears never stopped and she raised her head to look at the flowers and then cried harder than she had before.

I couldn’t help her, and no one could. a million things about her pain I did not understand.

Now I find myself, sobbing into my own linen that I have brought with me to the bathroom floor and bunched around my face to silence the tears.

There is no point in noise sounding the alarm of sadness when no one around you can fix it. The people you loved initiated it but then you have taken on a form of torment only seen before in the people you learnt how to cry from.

I suddenly understand my mother’s anguish. She was not crying for things she had lost, or moments past. She was crying at the fact that she could never be the person they wanted.

She would never match the person that had stolen their thoughts, and tugged at their hearts.

Even though they promise that they have never even wondered what the touch of their skin would feel like.. You know yourself it is a lie and it can’t be fixed.

I cry for the way I look, and I sob for the way it isn’t how she looks.

I try to make the best of what I was given but it will never match up to the woman she is.

I will myself to accept who I am and believe the things he says to me… and all the while I am trying to silence the voices in my head that tell me to give up.

The thing is, as dramatic as it sounds… My mum didn’t give up.. she led her life and since those days where she cried, I have never seen her smile with her whole heart.

I just don’t know if I can live that way.. so im wondering what the point is.

And so this is Melbourne.

The Sunny November days are setting in and walking to work becomes more of a diary entry than a chore.

Something I do every day that is a routine morning check of where my head space is at.

I replay fond memories and each song that sifts through my iPod sparks a new memory in my head that i get to revisit.

By the time I reach the bridge I’m comparing those times with similar times in my life and thinking of the good old days as just that. Old days that have taught me well stay exactly where they belong,

Loved but past.

I get to the docks, walking along the board walk is where my cigarette ignites and I make the promise to myself to try and kick the habit, just as I do every day.

By lunch time I’m on smoke #4.

Floating round the office to a sea of stares and head shakes.. yes yes I don’t look like I belong here, but I have the same job as you, don’t i? That’s right so keep your head down or I’ll handball you a report to do.

Walking home is more strenuous as my head is cloudy and my legs get heavier with each step but I stop in at my favourite coffee place to drop them off some chocolates and say hi to the boys.

Home time now and as my front door closes the bell rings for break, which is were my evening begins.

Seeing friends and drinking wines that I will tell myself don’t count if I have it with food on the side, which inevitably turns out to be bread.

And by the weekend I’m wondering why my favourite size 7 shorts don’t fit as well as they once did… I feel blue, bread and wine again.

Not the most productive cycle but if I fit in a few gym sessions here and there it suits me well enough.

So tonight, chattering with a favourite of mine over what was supposed to be a cup of coffee , that has ended up smelling remarkably of alcohol in a tall stemmed glass.
then cuddle times and probably a fight or two.

Such is life.

Things to come

November, How the hell did you get here so fast?
It seems like only yestesterday i was pacing the streets of melbourne looking for a job and a flat with friends who no longer even live in this country and who are no longer part of my life.

Who can believe how much can change in one year? It's impossible to even concieve the idea at the time...
Things seem so set the way they are and one things leads to another and while you've been stressing about the inches on your waist or the breaks of your hearts the trees have blossomed your skin has burned and a strong couple of months have blown you right to where you are now. Autumn over, pain receeding and ready to start a whole new chapter.

My heart has broken and healed and lost so many peices that i think it got a little smaller because it had to make itself even again and those holes just could not be filled.
But it's still beating and that's a success in my head. There were, and still are times when the past years events hit me so hard that i swear i could see the flash of the lightening that struck me but no. Low and behold im still breathing, even if a little more shallow than my lungs could take before.

A year ago today, i signed myself over to fall in love and, that i did. and out and in and out and finally, in. but hell, i never fell out i was driven to the edge but could never jump off. A year ago today, i did not know some of the people i have been blessed to call my best friends. Who have jumped at the sound of the lightening flash and whisked me away towards calmer weather and distractions alike.

In some respects this year has been the best one of my life. My confidence has grown and diminished and i realise now i have a longer way to go than anyone, including myself, could ever have imagined. 
But everything is open now, and clear for all to see. The marks that i hid with make up and pride have begun the slow process of healing towards trust and intimacy. You can't fake it, so only time will tell.

Christmas is coming and with that, summer comes shining through. breakfast dates and picnic dates and lounging in the sun. I get to meet a family i one day hope to call my own and hope to feel an embrace that has long escaped my own family life. I finally return home in two months time to see the people who have been faces in my mind for months on end and i can smell the hustle and bustle of my home town again.

This year i have smiled and cried more than i ever dreamt i could, and with continuous therapy throughout the next few months i believe those tears can be dried in time for 2012.

365 days
500 Bottles of coke zero
457835347567384 cigarettes
Several boxes of kleenex
4 flights interstate
1 electric guitar
7 Tattoos
Countless arguments
and more rum that i wish to admit...
It's time to start a new chapter.

Shouldn't it be easier than this?

So summer is nearly here,

More and more people put their enthusiasm into sentences as they can smell summer in the air. The lighter nights, the milder days and the sunshine that is beginning to burst through the clouds.

For some this is a sign of the exciting summer fun to come, and those people I envy.
Every possibility I have of enjoying the summer is tainted by the fact that I fear my own appearance to the extent that I cannot breathe. The very reflection of my image makes my eyes and heart swell in fear of judgement from others and my mind who knows too well what I am capable of achieving.

Its not that I wish to become as il as I once was, because that would be 2 steps forward 20 steps back and a revisit to pain that i don’t want to spread to my loved ones one more time.
But I do envy the control I once had over the choices I made when life threw a curveball at me.

Some say I am a broken mirror and that I see a distorted image of the way I am perceived and viewed by others and reality. But what is the point in reality seeing you a certain way when it is yourself who must live with the curves and indentations of your self esteem and body.  Even the acceptance that I may be a broken mirror does not prevent the shards from breaking of and cutting deeply enough to induce a sense of self loathing and paranoia from one day to the next.

The image I see is clear as day and so bright that I cannot bear to look it directly in the eye. Lights off, mirrors banned and yet the voice in my head creeps in to let me know that I am still the figure I do not want to be. Summer summer go away, I’m not ready to lose the layers that hide my fear yet.

Surely it wasn’t this hard when I was younger and prettier and skinnier than I am now, but I have developed an incessant self pity that seems to control the majority od rthi

“Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down for you..
Wasn’t it easier running wild til you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?”

Run forest run

Irony, Love it hate it but deal with it.

I’ve been watching people at the gym recently… not in the sense that I am staring awkwardly at them but, while I pound the treadmill I take in my surroundings and above the sea of determination that exudes most of the bodies in there, I see a cloud of uncertainty and even desperation.

I wonder what each person’s goal is and what has inspired or forced them to be there.

A bikini shop would tell you that they are all there to look their best and feel great this summer in that scantily clad attire that we are all dying to pull off...

A bikini shop would also tell you that you are totally a size 8 and that he’s not worth the hassle honey so spend some cash to make yourself feel good.

The sound of the cash register makes you feel great I am telling you..  Hmmph.

Let’s ask ourselves for the answer shall we?
Most of these women are there I notice by the look in their eyes... to prove some self worth to themselves. As if fitting into that smaller dress will make them a better person inside and open gates instead so that the world and opportunities fall at their feet.
Some are there to better themselves in the relationship – he won’t leave me if I look good this summer, he won’t look at other women if I lose these KG’s. He won’t make me cry at night if I have the body to die for.

Life and stress and relationships are the reasons women try to lose this weight, the social media aspect and the ever shrinking sizes in the shops.
Their mission is one of self worth, that’s for sure.. .but all too many of us do not realise, we already hold the key to that ourselves.

While someone providing you validation will boost your spirits in the long run...the draining self image that your mirror and mind provide can be the lethal combination that throws you off the ever unstable one legged pedestal.

As the worst perpetrator of this crime, I have had a very hard time as of late. All of these messages I wish to send to the young and old females around me, are wasted on my own image as I will happily provide reassurance and belief in a subject, but the pores of my mind seem too reluctant to absorb anything that I believe these days.

Nothing I achieve is ever right or good enough for me. My legs turn from Fat to muscle and I panic and compare myself to the most unattractive image a woman could image. I cannot win and my body is mocking me.. making my goals reaching further and further away.

What I must realise. What my aim of the year was to realise; an unachievable goal will never be reached.

This I have realised. But my mind set has not changed and I still wish for parts of my body to reflect a build that I am not. So the struggle continues.

“I’m sane but I’m laughing, I’m brave but I’m chicken shit.. I’m sick but I’m pretty baby. And what it all comes down too… is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet”

Do or Die.

It's strange, how we can be so certian in one moment of ourselves and so uprooted the next.
Did anyone say anything? was there an awkward silence that brought a tension to you limbs, willing them to give way to gravity and all of it's downfalls?

I think too much, I talk to little and i definately read to much. This is a shame for me as i love to immerse myself in a fiction or reality that is not my own.. to be able to paint my own image of someones heart and feel what they are feeling. Blah Blah Blah. Realistically, i am too emotionally unstable to books that are anything less than childrens stories. Feeling what these characters feel only revamps my insecurities as the words printed on the pages of the book jump up and re assemble themselves in my own living literature.

Somedays i will be so sure that a fear is gone that i willingly tuck it to sleep and pull the cover over it's ugly head. And then you will speak, and the mountains fucking shift, the planets align and i fall to pieces over worry and regret that i fooled myself into a confidence of secuirty that, it seems, you will never give me.


" I've never had a girlfriend as paranoid as you,  no one else ever worried this much"
"That's because you loved them so sincerly they had no reason to fear, and you still do.. which is why i don't sleep at night"

Jump the Fence

Looking back at the past few years, is like looking at the devestation a war can cause.
I'm sure there are many people who can look at all of that destruction and memorys of moments that caused them pain, times when the hurdle seemed just too hard to jump and the seconds it would take to crumble all the work a year of hard work had built.

Chalk it up to experience? Not this time. Chalk it up to fate.
Obviously there are things that happen in life that we can't explain the use of... Death of loved ones, war over power. Mindless violence. But learning curves in everyday life need to be viewed as exactly that.

if you've never been driven through the woods, you wouldn't know how clear the sky is when night falls and it all becomes clear and silent.

Everytime i feel the hurt running through my veins, it does not make me sad any more... it focuses in on how much my life has changed because of these events.
Enter: Sliding doors.

If you hadn't missed that tram, you never would have been at the stop long enough to see that person who you loved at first sight.
If you hadn't woken up late that day, you wouldnt have needed to check your emails when you did and you wouldnt have seen those pictures when  you were snooping through a hardrive that didn't belong to you. You would have never cried, You would have never broken. You would have never realised that the hurt you felt was a measure on how much you really loved that person. You would have maybe not stayed with them. You would have let them go.

Choices are ours to make 95% of the time. But it's my belief that moments that scar you are lessons of life all over your body that were chosen for us from the moment we were born.
They aren't always pretty, but they are there forever.

Si vous ne pouvait comprendre combien je vous ai aimés. Si seulement j'avais permettez moi-même.

Determination

It's amazing how one persons success and detemination can spark the fire of progress into your mind again.
So long i have been struggling to get over my own issues and although i am a long way from the finish line...
I am also aware of how far i have come with them.

For the past year i have been rebuilding my confidence, and trying to make sense of many corners of my mind. There are still some that are darker than ever.. but light has started to shine on the areas that were likely to become my demise.

While my body has been recovering, my mind had gone into hibernation and all of my passions and loves became replaced with alcohol and pruging. Well it may be winter outside but my mind and motivation is the most awake and focused it has been for a long time.
It would be selfish to sit there and find comfort in the fact that i am alive and healthier, when there are so many other people out there suffering.
What most people don't realise is that admitting you are in the midst of a condition that you cannot control... is terrifying.  The original aspect of most disorders is to gain control over something in your life... Irony slapping you with the echo of your hollow cheekbones.

I'm gaining control, and i'm gaining self respect again so that i can show so many other girls that they owe that to themselves.
I know one day i will accept myself for the way i look, and it may take a long journey to get to that point but if in the road to self assurance i can stop and help others on board, then we are more likely to reach our goal.

There is a point to my life, and i think i just found it.

Never mind

I am so much wiser in my words on paper than i am in living my life.

The words i write on the pages of my notebook follow guidelines of self respect and honesty.

The words i use when living my life are drifted into an unknown person who reads back this blog and admires the courage and conviction of the words that are written.. But will never truely use each sentence to break the walls that she has built.

Mona lisa

So lost. Why is it that things can turn so impatiently ugly when we start to feel the most content in our lives? Is it punishment? For feeling like we deserve the breath of adoration that we gasp. Holding onto a moment tightly because we know it is too good to last forever.... and as I open my eyes with my exhale, it is gone.

How can you love someone with your body and soul but not trust the promises that escape their lips?
I wish I could. I did once, I was content.. and for the first time in forever, I felt unconditionally immersed in someone's love.

But it is true to say, that what goes up must come down. A penance for going through privacy in the hopes of finding reassurance, self assurance, a picture that prooves you wrong.
But all you find is a million reasons why you were right.

Obsessed with the past, oblivious to the present. Oblivious to how my heart breaks every time. I can't believe you can't hear it.. The noise is deafening to me. A frequency that empties my heart in a split second

They say that if they wanted something else instead, they would seek it. But what if the truth is that they would seek only to find rejection so must settle with a mediocre love instead.

Do I contest? And risk losing the life I have built for not conceeding runner up?
Or do I sit and smile, the mona Lisa of our romance.. Finding comfort in the fact that you do love me


Even if it is not as much as you dream you would love her.

Glass slipper

Maybe dreams are there for a reason.
The fantasy is always so much better than the reality.
It has no flaws, no interruptions, no responsibilty.. And people always say exactly what you wish them too, need them to.

These should stay in the slumber and ideals that create them.
My life is not perfect and, nor am I.
I could be thinner, prettier, smarter, more cultured and understanding.
My world could be smoother, happier, and the dreams I have could blossom without any enforcement from me.

But though the road of reality may be rocky and uncertain
It allows you the freedom to shout, scream, cry. To rip princes charmings mask off and tell him you shouldn't have to lose a fucking slipper before he seeks your heart.
To live moment to moment at the unexpected things that come your way, and to laugh and disaster instead of wallow.

True, reality makes me weaker every day, but I grow stronger in the fact that the path that I'm paving is my own. Built on solid concrete and bitter truths, not paved into a world of clouds.

Sickening

Watching strangers on the street, happy and in love with their perfect smiles and watching each other stare into their eyes contently. They are blissfully un aware that the lights have changed, could not care that they are standing in the path of people with places to be and deadlines to meet...
They are on their own timeframe and it's set to last forever with no where else to be but in eachother gaze.

It is moments like this when you can have realisations, many which can come to mind but the ones that flood the female passers by are the features which make this woman so beautiful that someones day can stop.

The features that you are missing, what she has that you could never possess. Now, this isn't a directed feeling, it isn't really about the couple who stand their aimlessly in love, it is a self critique that we, the female population of this busy bustling city possess.
Not even the sound of the roadworks on the street can drown out the voice inside us that shouts our flaws and shines on imperfections.
Why would anyone ever look at you the way he emptied his heart into hers? You have too much to solve and too many problems to fix with your own appearance before you  fall into the catogory of beauty.

I cannot look at mirrors, my own reflection is the biggest red flag that i have so far to go and show little hope of ever changing into that striking girl accross the street. I have never been her, never will be her and never wish anyone to be so unfortunate as to fall in love with someone like me. If my appearance disgusts me, then so it should every one else.. For they see what is real and myr ose tinted glasses have been knocked off with the ending of childhood and the realisation that i will forever be, a work in progress.

To follow your heart.

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising.

Just be true to who you are

When It Rains

Well mother nature, such a sweet demure force. Elegnace to be reckoned with.
She will teach and discaplin while she lights your way.
Some things are meant to be ours in life and even though they may not be thrust upon us at the right time... it is our duty and obligation to embrace the love she holds our in her hands for us.


I was just getting stronger, enough to handle the blow i was dealt years ago, then months ago and hit like a force again across my heart weeks ago. Am i not supposed to be able to heal? Is this mocking a pnishment for things i have done wrong in my life? Well i conceed... There is no greater pain than having the best love bond in the world taken away from you, snatched from beneath you without your hands even able to retrieve the tears.

Unless, you are given a second chance. Do you lose something once so that you can be blessed with the overwhelming sense to hold on tighter this time? to tape the love to your heart so it cannot run away?

Well maybe this is mother natures band aid. Her intentions behind it, i am not sure but she shows she is a woman by not knowing what she wants for me. uncertainty a female trait.
I won't be selfish, i will love strongly and even though my life will empty its contents out of the door for the new life, i will make room for this love. and my fingers will bleed before my grip loosens once.

Here we go again.

After coming so far, how can i be thrown back into the deep end of something i thought i had conquered and controlled. Two steps forward and Twenty miles back..
i feel it creeping up again and there is nothing i can do to stop it. I just don't have the strength i once had.

Never have i looked in the mirror and been pleased with the reflection, never have i smiled at the outcome of my hard work. Hard is not enough, determination continues to fail me and i just cannot solve the problem i have grown into.

Regardless of the help i've sought.. i dare speak the words to anyone who loves me because i can hear them growing bored and tired of this same old discussion. Don't you think im tired of it? I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for a resoloution to the constant issue that has held me back for so many years.. but nothing answers and nothing echo's.


I havent seen clearly for so long.


So i'm going quiet again, and i will conceed. It wins again and i am the shell that holds it all in.

Stepford Street

Does the mirror image always reflect the feelings going on inside someone's head?
The stepford wife.. so perfect and demure, will help and hold your hand and show you the way when its dark.
She is loved and lost all at the same time, but you wouldn't know it.. only the dimness of her eyes would give this pain away. She has lost something, somewhere but can she look for it if she does not yet know how to speak? Find your voice little wife and tell the world your thoughts.
Being there for every cut and bruise, ready and willing to kiss them on their forehead and tell them bindly that everything will be okay,
Stepford wife is here.

What about when she falls? the cuts and grazes will remain with not enough strength to dust them off for herself..  She has been to busy helping and living for everyone else. A word of advice: busy living is not what makes you something to be remembered for..
She may appear to the silver screen as something to behold, but to those who know her well.. she is the selfish acid in their lives.

Eroding strength away. She could neutralise this pain with her tears if she would only let them fall on you.

She'll see them all again one day, the seven wonders of the world. You the first, and the 6 that follow are the memories you made together.

Come with me

How do you describe a feeling that you yourself, can’t identify?

If the person who has to feel the ups and downs of this emotion can’t put it into words… then how can any other person portray it for you? You can pay someone dollars an hour to listen but these are just empty words that they will never grasp, and by the looks of it, neither will you.

So let’s stroll down confusion alley…I’m not sure which turning it is, but I can guarantee I will stumble upon it on my direct walk to and from reality. Weaving and slipping in and out of what is right and what is wrong, run along the cobble stones until you hit the wall that says ‘welcome’, please drive slowly.

Welcome to what? Where on earth have I ended up? And why must I drive slowly to preserve an environment that makes my head spin at full speed? I want to drive fast and straight.. put my foot down and escape.  Uh uh… no chance missy, you don’t have a return ticket until you can muster up the courage to write it out for yourself. Stamped with the seal of approval from you heart and not your head.

Good afternoon miss, where will you be travelling today? And can you tell me what your intentions are in Australia?
... After 15 months here, it is a sad statement to admit that I had a better idea of my future then, than I do now.  So officer, I would if I could but I can’t.

" If you want to view paradise.. Simply look around and view it, Anything you want to, do it.
Want to change the world? theres nothing to it...

There is no life i know, to compare to pure imagination. Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be."

Smoke and mirrors

Round and round the motions we go.
You get far enough away to breathe and clear your head and you find yourself yearning for something you fought for release of.

Can you smell it in the air? That strong and potent fragrance? That is betrayal my dear and you are wearing your own 5 star brand.
Designers couldn’t fault the way it lingers for hours just enough to remind you that you are still wearing it and that you mixed it up.. all by yourself.

Au de Triste. Self wearing. Self loving and loathing.

You’ve paid money to exterminate the mistakes in your life, and things that you think you have gotten wrong. But has it ever occurred to you that these are the right things in your life just at the wrong time?
Alas, exhale because what’s done is done and you will be holding your breath for a century to try and calculate the mean average of your mistakes.

You want it? You got it. You got it?  Then keep it? Just browsing? ..Then get the fuck out of the way so that people who really want something can reach and grab hold for themselves.

Clear the area you selfish addict and let someone take a slice for themselves before they inevitabley decide to eat the whole thing that you could not yet commit to having.

Shoulda woulda coulda. We consume the things in life, or do we release ourselves and let them consume us? In any case.. I think I lost my manual to let go and I’m still using my stabilisers to guide me… I’m not using any one else anymore.

Like a broken arrow.  Dummm de dummm.

Timing is everything

So tonight, i am baking.. filling up the sour things in my life with the sweetness and richness of sugar in the air.
Maybe it's only skin deep but if you close your eyes and breathe deeply, you can taste the happiness it brings.

 Smelling it and feeling it are obviously different things, but self worth is never something i've been able to find without the help of other people, and even then i've struggled to achieve it.
Crumbles and pastries, muffins and sweet breads. Douting on someone has always been the way i have survived, without someone else to focus my attention on i am left with space and time to really see myself.

That is an image i have always tried to cloud. dusting with icing sugar to disguse the image into something sweeter, something that is not a failure because i am loved by somebody.

I have to give i have to brighten someone elses day, if i don't i fail to serve purpose and that is the woman i have always known. I do not know life any other way.


People always say, you must learn to love yourself before you can love somebody else... But, if that were true and i took that passage into my life then i would be lonely for a very long time.

Maybe, if i give them everything they desire in life, then maybe i am not worthless afterall.
so the serving will continue until i serve a purpose.